Raising a Hands-On Child in a Hands-Free World

When my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our sweet little Reagan, who is now two years old, we sought out advice from almost everyone we knew who had children. We wanted to know what worked, what didn't work, and what mistakes other people had made, so we could learn from them. Part of being parents later in life, I think, makes us much more intentional in how we are raising our son, and eventually, our daughter.

One thing we have decided to do is make the conscious choice to stay away from a lot of the electronics and gadgets that fill so many homes. Truthfully, I've been contemplating a blog about this for some time, and then I read one by Renee Robinson, A Letter To My Boys (The Real Reason I Say No to Electronics), and she said everything I wanted to say so well, instead I'm just going to expound on a few of her well-articulated points.

We went out to eat for breakfast a few weeks ago, and Reagan and one other little girl, maybe a bit younger than Reagan, were the only two children in the small cafe. While her parents chatted, she was buried in an iPad, occupying her time.

I get it. I really, really get it. Believe me, I do. It is not an easy task keeping a toddler happy at a restaurant, or anywhere where there is a wait involved. But we choose to let him wait, and run the risk of him getting upset or bored or throwing a toddler-sized tantrum, because the truth is, life is full of waiting, and he might as well get used to it now.

Renee writes, "I want to talk to you when we are out to eat. I want to listen to your questions. I want to have training opportunities. I want to allow space for conversation that can take us deeper. And if you are always distracted with electronics, well… I might miss those moments."

Yep.

We've also made the decision to not bring electronics with us when we travel. So far, in Reagan's short little life, we have made four trips to PA and back (1600 miles round trip), and one trip to Florida, and he's done very well. Yes, we've had to make more stops when he gets bored and restless, and yes, it gets tiresome to find ways to keep him happy and content while strapped to a car seat, but we do it anyway. We do it because we both have such fond memories of road trips with our families, and I want Reagan to have those same memories. And, like Renee says, I don't want to miss a moment with him. If we had a car that played DVDs (which we don't), we would have missed so much, even on our 40-minute drive home the other night. We would have missed him making the animal sounds in the 'Barnyard Dance' book, which we have read so. many. times we can all recite it by memory. We would have missed him trying to make us laugh by making a series of funny noises, and then cracking himself up. We would have missed watching him read through some of his books on his own, looking very serious as he turned the pages (even though one was held upside down).

So much we would have missed if his eyes were glued to a screen.

"Yes, when we are waiting at a doctor’s office for an hour, it would be easier to quiet you with my phone. But if I did that, I fear I would send you a message that says I’d rather hush you than hear those precious words falling from your lips.

I can’t bear the thought of allowing you to miss out on the wonders and mysteries of this world. When you are transfixed on a screen, the beauty of this world will be lost to you. In every moment beauty is waiting to be discovered. I don’t want you to miss it."

My husband works for Brentwood Driver Training, and he says so many teenagers don't know how to get to their house, even when they are in their own neighborhood, because they've spent their lives looking down, instead of looking out. They've missed so much, because their eyes were transfixed on the small screen in front of them.

When I was growing up, my least favorite time of the week was Sunday afternoon. There was nothing worth watching on the three channels we could get on our TV, and my parents actually rested and took naps, and Lord only knows how many times I said, "I'm bored."

I'm so grateful for those times I was bored. I am almost positive if my parents hadn't given me the opportunity to be truly bored, I wouldn't have developed such a strong love of reading. Because there was literally nothing else to do, I buried myself in books ... and I still bury myself in books today. Had there been the option of an afternoon of video games and electronic devices, that would have become my world. Instead, I immersed myself in whatever book I brought home from the church library, sometimes reading them twice in a row, and my love of other worlds, other cultures, other possibilities, was born.

I'm not delving into the increase of ADHD with the increase of electronic devices, because frankly I don't know enough about it. I do know, though, from information a teacher friend of mine shared with me, that a video screen changes so fast, it's hard for children these days to keep focused on things that aren't rapidly changing.They are used to a screen changing every three to four seconds, so they are becoming bored when forced to sit in a classroom or focus on a text book.

But that's not why we say no to a lot of what has become common place in our society. It would be so much easier to appease him with a game, or stick him in front of a TV so we can get stuff done. But, we say no because this parenting journey isn't about us. It isn't about doing what's best, or easiest, for us. It's about giving our children the best tools possible to equip them for the world in front of them.

Lest people think we shut off the TV and have returned to the Dark Ages, we haven't. At all. Reagan is allowed two short shows or one long one (i.e: two Thomas the Tank Engines or one Calilou) when he wakes up in the morning and gets up from his naps. And, we have unashamedly used a TV show occasionally when we needed to occupy him for a few minutes. I did it last week when my husband had to leave for work, and I still had some work to finish for my job. My husband did it the other day when he was home alone with Reagan, making dinner, and Reagan kept trying to get too close to the stove. And, we plan on taking Reagan with us when we travel to India to bring his sister home, and I am absolutely positive we will take along plenty of electronic help. 20 hours in a plane is a long, long time for anyone, let alone an active little boy.

But, for day to day, we're going to continue to encourage him to play outside, to explore the world, and to even be bored at times.

"I want to watch your face illuminated by the majesty of life – not the glow of a screen. I want all of you. Because I only have you for a short while. When you pack up and leave for college, I want to look back with no regrets over the time I spent with you. I want to look back and remember how your eyes sparkled when we talked. I want to look back and remember how I actually knew those little quirky details of your life because we had time enough to be bored together."

 Our time with our son, and soon our children is so short. Too short. While I have him, I want all of him. I want to watch him draw pictures. I want to go for walks with him. I want to read to him and with him. I want to watch him build things with his blocks, when he's unaware I'm watching him, and he gets so serious he sticks his tongue out just a little bit while he's concentrating. I want to listen to him talk in the car about his day, or make funny noises. I want to watch him read books upside down and sing songs with him.

As he gets older, we understand it will become more difficult, and we will have to keep readjusting and re-evaluating to find what works for us -- and what works for us is not the template for what will work for everyone. At all. We all struggle and get bumps and bruises while we raise our families. There isn't one formula for everyone, and I get that. But I look to several of my friends who have remained largely technologically free as they raise their families, and I look at how their children have grown into such articulate, sensitive, caring, intelligent people, and I want that for our children. So, like everyone else, we soldier on, and hope that we make the best decisions for our sons and daughters in the process.